


When Memories Can Swim

by Rugs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester in the Men of Letters Bunker, Drunk Dean Winchester, Drunken Confessions, Gen, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Men of Letters Bunker Feels (Supernatural), Protective Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Dean Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad and Happy, Whiskey - Freeform, sad times at the bunker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28418343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rugs/pseuds/Rugs
Summary: Dean falls into a depressed mood and attempts to drink his feelings. Cas watches Dean fall and comforts him once he's drunk.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	When Memories Can Swim

Dean rolls over, glancing at the clock through blurry eyes. _1:27 am._ He sighs, burying his face back into the pillow for a second. He had spent the past hour or so trying desperately to fall asleep, something his mind wouldn’t allow. He lifts his face off the pillow, pushing himself up into a sitting position. He swings his legs off the bed, feet settling on the cold floor. His elbows rest on his knees, head held in his hands. He sits like that for a minute before lurching to his feet and wandering out of his room. Dean has walked this path so many times, wearing a path in the floor each night. He stalks through the halls, silently making his way to the kitchen where he pops open the fridge.

He stares at the shelves, his eyes gliding over beers and left-over pizza. He sighs, closing it gently before pacing over to the cabinets. Flicking one open, he reaches in, pulling out a full bottle of whiskey. Dean checks the label before he turns his back to the cabinet, his other hand brushing against it with enough force to close it. He doesn’t bother with grabbing a glass as he exits the room. When he’s drowning out the world, a glass is too small to hold the much-needed ocean. His bare feet pad through the tile halls, his body swaying lightly as he walks. He stops at Sam’s door, taking a second to listen. Upon hearing nothing, he continues on his way to his room. Sam was safe asleep, just like he was every night that Dean checked, which was most nights out of the week. Only when Sam was fast asleep did Dean allow himself to really let himself go. This is something Sam could and should never see.

He stopped at Cas’ room as well, standing numbly before the door. He was never sure what nights Cas was here as Cas had the habit of flitting away to some random place with strangers, both good and bad. Dean knocks lightly on the door, knowing that if Cas was here, he would be awake and would answer. Dean is once more met with silence, the angel being absent from his room. He bows his head, leaning it gently on the wood surface with a subtle thump. He is glad Cas is not here as he doesn’t want the risk Cas hearing the events that shall follow his drunken night. He sighs deeply and lifts his head from the door, giving it one more look before making his way back to his own room.

Dean walks inside his room, his shoulder lightly bumping into the door frame. He sits on the floor, his back against his bed before he nudges the door shut with his foot. He twists the cap off of the bottle, tossing it onto the floor to be picked up later. The heavy bottle is lifted to his lips, the whiskey draining into his mouth slowly. He drop his hand, lowering the bottle to the floor. He stares blearily at the door, mentally begging someone to walk through the door while hating himself for wanting someone to see him at his lowest point. Dean lifts the bottle to his lips again, wincing at the bite of the alcohol. He knew tonight would be one of those where he’d drink himself in unconsciousness.

He starts chugging, swallowing faster, eager to forget the past few years. His throat burns slightly as do his eyes as tears begin to bead in the corner of his eyes. His vision blurs as the alcohol blurs his mind. The bottle slowly slides down from his mouth, leaving a sticky trail across his lips and down his chin. Memories flash through his head as he drinks to forget. His time with his dad, hell, torture, and losing his loved one’s flashes through his head on a loop. He remembers being hit by so many people, being hurt in every way imaginable by nearly everyone he had known. His mom died when he was a kid and his dad did… unspeakable thing to him. Sam threw his life away every chance he got no matter how many times Dean had done everything in his power to protect him. Cas-… Cas was just… Dean was still unsure of where exactly the perplexing angel stood in his life. Dean shakes his head drunkenly, lifting the bottle to his lips once more as he drowns his past.

-

Cas sits in the hall outside of Dean’s room, right across from the door. He had checked in with Dean about half an hour earlier but noticed he was not yet asleep. Cas was used to these nights, the ones where Dean would toss and turn for hours before either falling into a restless sleep or drinking himself into unconsciousness. He knew how the drinking nights worked which meant he wouldn’t step foot in the room again unless Dean was out. He wasn’t sure if tonight was a drinking night or not, crossing his fingers that he wouldn’t have to watch his human suffer yet again. As he sat in the hall, he soon realized it was going to be a bad night as he heard Dean’s footsteps start pattering towards the door. Cas flits away to the kitchen before Dean can open his door. He settles in a shadow covered chair, hiding himself where he can see Dean but not vice versa. He watches as Dean stumbles in, opening and then closing the fridge before diving under the counter for a bottle of whiskey. Cas frowns, knowing tonight is a bad one if Dean is pulling out an entire whiskey bottle.

Cas waits for Dean to leave his room before following him down the hall. He watches as Dean does his nightly check in on Sam before stopping at Cas’ door. This was a new event that Dean had picked up the last week or so. Cas watches as Dean knocks against the wood and then leans into it, resting his forehead against the door for a brief second. Cas stares at him as he sighs and then returns to his own room. After Dean closes the door, he sits once more, this time against the door, just lightly enough to not make a sound. He sits there, dropping his head into his hands as he listens to Dean’s prayers. Dean wants someone to walk through the door, but Cas knows from experience that entering will only make Dean lock up. He know this from experience and from the accompanying prayers of resistance that follow his begging. He has to wait until Dean gets a few drinks in him, when he won’t remember anything. This was not their first interaction like this, and it surely wouldn’t be their last no matter how much Cas hoped it would be.

-

Dean feels a heavy buzz, his head lolling back against the bed. His memories are blurred but his emotions are on fire. Tears bead in the corner of his eyes as fuzzy visions dance in his mind. Who knew he’d be a sad drunk? Figures though cause his whole life is and was sad. Happy moments were few and far between. Dean lets out a heavy sob, the bottle tumbling to the floor and a little liquid spilling out on the floor. His head crumples into his hands, tears flooding down his face. The memories he had tried so hard to drown came surging back as if they had grown wings. This was a side no one saw, not Sam and not Cas, at least not that he can remember.

-

Cas hears a faint and shaky sob from the other side of the door. This was rare, normally Dean would just mutter sadly, sometimes slipping into a rage. The amount of times Cas had fixed broken lamps and cleaned up blankets was more than he could count on all his vessels fingers. Still, this was uncharted territory, Dean had only over broken down on him twice, memories Cas would never forget. Shaking his thoughts aside, he stands and opens the door. He slowly approaches, knowing Dean might attack if he was out of it really bad. Luckily Dean doesn’t lash out, just stays curled in a ball, crying. Cas gently wraps his arms around him, lifting Dean up off the floor before settling on the bed, cradling him.

Dean just continues crying gently, his fingers curling into Cas’ trench coat, gripping him close. Cas holds him tight, whispering sweet words in his ear, switching between Enochian and English. He eventually dissolves into just muttering Dean’s name over and over. Dean starts saying Cas’ name back, trying to use it to grasp at any chance of calm. Together their voices overlap, swirling into a beautiful and personal harmony. Cas’ voice plays on loop, his gravelly voice playing gently under Dean’s slightly higher pitched and broken voice. _Cas, Dean, Cas, Dean._ Their harmony echoes through their bones, ringing in their hearts.

As they sit, Cas grows bolder, running his hand lightly down Dean’s back and through his hair. Dean trembles against Cas, the angel gripping him tighter against his chest in earnest. Dean’s voice rumbles against Cas’ throat, his thoughts having devolved into ramblings of memories. Cas holds him tight, listening as Dean brokenly recounts his life, describing in a choked up voice everything that his father did. From the disapproving looks to raised voices to heavy handed beatings. Cas’ heart breaks with every word as Dean recounts his time in Hell. His time before and after he became the torturer of unfortunate souls. His worries and fears come flooding out, collecting in Cas’ mind like Dean’s tears on his shirt. Within an hour, Dean has fallen back into quiet sobbing with the occasional loud gasp, his body too tired to continue speaking.

Cas listens as his breathing and heartbeat slows to a steady and sleepy rhythm. He sadly smiles into Dean’s hair, glad he is at peace for the night. Cas spreads his wings, wrapping them gently around Dean and himself. He slowly lays down, lightly dragging Dean down with him, careful not to wake him. He fidgets a bit to get comfortable as he kisses the top of Dean’s head lightly like he had seen other humans do. He was wary and confused about human affection but didn’t want Dean to hurt. He remembers an old saying about how kisses fix injuries as his lips meet Dean’s skin once more. He holds his world in his arms for as long as he can for he knows when he wakes that his human won’t remember anything. Soon he will have to let him go but for now he shall hold onto him as if he is Cas’ lifeline. Dean sleeps heavily as his angel grips him tight.


End file.
